Ellipses

Feb. 1st, 2010 08:45 pm
plumgirl: (mysterious paris)
[personal profile] plumgirl


Sometimes you come to a point where things don't really interest you the way they used to. Is it a sign of depression? Or is it simply the reaction one has when abruptly smacked into a wall of realization and then regain consciousness? Maybe the sudden blankness is due to the sudden concern that the life that one had known previously was the dream, the nightmare, the false reality.

When you wake from the illusion -- the things that used to keep you diverted no longer seem to do the trick. They were -- you suspect -- temporary distractions. They were the pauses that keep you preoccupied for just a moment, a sudden colorful patch in the woven tapestry of life. You were fooled and thought you had the right of it. You knew what the picture that was being created looked like.

Or did you?

I can not explain this strange inertia. I do not clamor to draw, to write. Instead I read. I drive. I look around, and try to find something to fill the pauses.



...

The absurdity of life began to make itself clear a year ago. In my heart, I'm still angry about the way the universe plays its game.
Why cut people off in the midst of realizing their dreams? Why let others never realize them?

I sit, spinning ellipses, waiting and hoping for the turning point -- where questions clarify themselves into answers.

I wait for meaning... or maybe for more illusions.

on 2010-02-02 02:29 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redrosebeetle.livejournal.com
As someone with depression.... it sounds an awful lot like depression.

Life has the meaning you give it and it doesn't matter if that meaning is real or not, as long as it's real to you.

on 2010-02-02 05:52 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] paulownia.livejournal.com
Yeah - Sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed or close to it. It comes down to analyzing whether I've lost interest in everything or close to everything. And how I'm functioning outside.

I still work fine and still function okay at home. But I definitely don't find the same interest or enjoyment in things that were big drivers the last few years. I am wondering if I was wasting time on it.

But your last statement does remind me that if something gave temporary enjoyment or purpose it wasn't a waste from the grand scheme of things.

But I don't know that I want to keep spending time chasing things that have diminishing enjoyment. Somehow that only feeds my frustration as "writing, drawing" become "work" and not fun.

on 2010-02-02 06:12 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redrosebeetle.livejournal.com
If your writing and drawing have become work and not fun, take a break from them. Give yourself permission to not do them. You mentioned below that you were getting pressured to do them and that was killing your enjoyment of it.

A lot of women, especially, have the tendancy to put their needs behind the needs or wants of others. Repeat after me, "It's okay to put myself first sometimes."

If it's just the pressure of writing or drawing that's getting you down, work on different writing or drawing projects. Take a break from them for as long as you like. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself enjoy them.

It's even okay to quit writing and drawing all together if that's what you decide you want to do. Sometimes, our interests change and we find other things that we're interested in. Being creative is very difficult and not everyone can go through an entire life of being "on." It's okay to be off. It's okay to read books and drive.

Unless you have legal obligations to keep writing and drawing (ie; a contract), give yourself permission to do and enjoy other things.

on 2010-02-02 03:14 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] ekmisao.livejournal.com
Probably the first. And if it is, it is concerning me how much I can relate to you. (sigh)

on 2010-02-02 05:55 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] paulownia.livejournal.com
Not quite willing to self-diagnose, but still exploring the issue. I definitely do feel blah about a lot of stuff... but it's a matter maybe of perspective and figuring out what I do like and what is a replenishing sort of activity versus "work."

Fanfic writing and fanart drawing have become more work than relaxation. I have to draw to sell or write to get people to stop bothering me xD.... once I realized that I was more worried about the pressure than enjoying the actual craft, I decided I hated it.

on 2010-02-02 03:19 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] muroku.livejournal.com
Why cut people off in the midst of realizing their dreams? Why let others never realize them?

Because randomness is life's ultimate cruelty.

And why do some people attain fabulous success?

on 2010-02-02 05:48 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] paulownia.livejournal.com
Yeah - I think life does not follow a predictable progression. I really find it upsetting to see young friends pass away because I guess I see life as a progression of things we need to accomplish either personally or on a grander scale. When it's not realized, I get angry at the big guy in the sky .

Success -- I wish I understood how it worked. When it's a person who has worked hard for it, I am more than overjoyed (although if it comes late in life, a bit saddened). When it's "success" or "reward" based on being an idiot (i.e., Octomom), I'm disgusted.

on 2010-02-02 07:30 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] angelthorn.livejournal.com
Oh, no. :(

I've been there and yes, it's a sign of depression when nothing interests you. :( I know all too well what that feels like.

I don't know what to say, only that I hope there's someone you can talk to over there. I hope also that you'll find something/someone that means a great deal to you. I hope you'll be able to find out what it is you want to pursue and do it with a passion. One step at a time...

on 2010-02-02 05:46 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] paulownia.livejournal.com
Uh. It's not that nothing interests me, it's that the things that il iked before no longer interest me. They're not fun. For the many reasons, I was doing them beyond the point when they were fun for me, and hence the meaningless of the activity :-/

I'm currently reading and doing more traveling... overall, still not at my "omg I'm happiest" point, but trying to sort of just tend to myself and keep myself "fed."

The biggest thing I struggle with at the moment is how to pull myself out of my shell actually. I realized this past week that I'm such an introvert that it's stressful to go out and deal with people over just doing something by myself.

I feel very unbalanced in that sense and want to throw everything out and start over and figure out how to reorganize myself :)
Edited on 2010-02-02 05:59 pm (UTC)

on 2010-02-02 11:10 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] angelthorn.livejournal.com
Whoops, sorry for being so presumptuous. -_- I do think that even getting little enjoyment from things you love doing is not a good sign. :(

Nevertheless, I can relate, especially to that sense of imbalance. Working at home doesn't really afford me any opportunities to meet new people...so when I do have to go out, I ask friends out to lunch just so I have some human contact. Otherwise, zip. I'm really hoping that there will be better chances for me to meet and mingle. I used to like being alone but it's only now I've realized just how lonely it can be.

I'm glad though that you get to travel! I wish I could, too. :)

If you do want to chuck everything and start all over? Do it. :D I quadruple dare you.
*hugs*

on 2010-02-02 11:08 am (UTC)
ext_51796: (kotori)
Posted by [identity profile] reynardine.livejournal.com
It does sound like depression. But in a fallow period in your life, it isn't a bad thing to drive around or read or do such things.

on 2010-02-02 05:45 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] paulownia.livejournal.com
I'm not sure that it is. It could be just boredom. It's very hard to draw the line between being dissatisfied and thinking a lot of what you have been doing is kind of not that interesting and then deciding whether it's an overall lack of interest in doing stuff (i.e., a clinical sign of depression.) For instance, really not passionate about drawing at the moment, and would rather pick up a book or travel.

I go through phases where I tend to exhaust myself out on certain things and then try to pick up something new. I'm not sure what you call that behavior, but then again, I'm not particularly versed on psychology. It's definitely a bit weird. :)

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